


I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down

by icarusinflight



Series: JayRoyweek2016 [5]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but just asking if the other person is thinking of it, checking in is important, discussion of suicide, they're in a relationship but you can interpret how you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 04:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11141295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusinflight/pseuds/icarusinflight
Summary: Roy wishes he could make PTSD follow a set of rules. something like;Rule 1 - only occur in allowed settingsRule 2 - only be triggered by obvious stimuli which can be removedRule 3 – stop once the stimuli has been removed and leave without a traceBut that's not how it worksor,The one where Jason has a Panic Attack and Roy can't do much, but he does what he can





	I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down

**Author's Note:**

> Title is lyrics from Chandelier by Sia.  
> Please be mindful of the tags - for the prompt PTSD for the well past JayRoy week  
> Unbeta'd - all mistakes are my own

It’s not that the _impact and_ _management of trauma_ training that Green Arrow put Roy through doesn’t come in handy, it does, very often. It allows him to help people, allows him to get more information, and makes him not come off like a complete asshole when people have experienced trauma _coughcoughBatmancough._

But he’s never been more relieved to have completed the training when Jason has a panic attack.

He’s not sure what triggers it, isn’t sure if anything triggers it it’s not like trauma and PTSD follow a set of rules. Although if Roy could make rules they’d go something like this;

Rule 1 - only occur in allowed settings  
Rule 2 - only be triggered by obvious stimuli which can be removed  
Rule 3 – stop once the stimuli has been removed and leave without a trace

But unfortunately neither he, Jason’s, or anyone else’s attacks seem to follow these rules. _Rude_

One moment they’re sitting on the couch, watching a ridiculous rendition of Conan for the very attractive lead. They’ve been enjoying it for the ridiculousness of it all, making fun of the stupid plot lines, the weird lines, and wondering if buildings actually need walls to remain standing in this world. It’s fun. They’re having fun.

Roy makes what he thinks is particularly witty comment, and when he gets no response he turns to look at Jason. He was probably expecting a quirk of the eyebrows, some form of silent judgement that Jason occasionally throws his way when Roy is being particularly obnoxious. He knows he can be, it’s part of his charm. What he isn’t expecting is Jason with his eyes screwed shut tightly, his shoulders are tense, his hands gripping his thighs tightly.

Shit.

 nostrils flare with each puff outwards. It might not be unusual any other night, when they had probably been running for their lives, but tonight, on their couch, it shouldn’t be happening. Roy would do anything to stop it.

He shuffles a little closer to Jason on the couch, but carefully keeps a space between them

“Jason” he says, and then when that fails to illicit a response he tries again “Jason” he repeats

His heart wrenches when there is no visible change in Jason, even though he’s unsurprised by the lack of reaction.

“Jay”

The breathing stays rushed, Roy’s sure that Jason’s heart is probably racing, and Roy’s is starting to race to match it when Jason starts shivering and rocking. The rocking is still small, which is good, but it’s their nonetheless.

Roy would give anything to reach out and hold him, but he knows that’s not going to help. He wishes it would but it doesn’t work like that. There is no easy fix. And Roy won’t touch him until he is fully with him, and can consent, or if he has to, if Jason starts to become a risk to himself.

Roy flails his arm backwards without looking for the remote, by some miracle he manages to grab it without knocking it off the couch arm, and when he has it in his hands he pauses the movie. While he doesn’t think Jason is going to care about the movie anymore, but it could have been the movie which brought this on, and regardless Roy wants to stop the generic fighting noises which have been a constant in the movie.

Then he does the only think he can do, he talks to Jason. Roy knows how to run his mouth, so he puts that to good use.

“Hey Jay. I don’t know where you are in there, but I want you to come back to me. We were having a good time, and you totally deserved that good time.”

Jason is slowly inching further and further into the corner of the couch, tucking into himself before Roy’s eyes. Roy makes no move to follow, keeps his position on the couch next to him, and takes a deep breath to steel himself before continuing.

“I was going to make popcorn. I was gonna hog all the popcorn and then start attacking you with it once it gets to the shitty bits. I know how much you hate that. You get angry at me for making a mess. I’d promise to clean it up, but you’ll probably be up before me and clean it up before I even wake. You’re like that. You want to keep moving. And that’s okay, but you should let me clean up my own mess sometimes.”

Jason’s breath is still coming in the short, shallow inhales and puffs. He’s completed his move from seated on the couch to a human ball, wedged into the corner. His knees are now in front of his chest, arms wrapped tightly around them, Jason is usually so large to look at, and seeing him this withdrawn, the smallest he can be, it pulls at Roy’s heart.

“You’ve always been really good at dealing with what’s thrown your way, be that popcorn, life shit, or criminal stuff. Remember that time we ran into Captain Boomerang and one of his boomerangs landed at your feet? You just picked it up, gave it a little swing to test the weighting and threw it. And I laughed at you because it looked like it had gone all wrong. But no, it came back around to hit that turdnozzle in the back of the head. And then you followed it up with a knee the chest, and down he went. Afterwards when I asked you about it you said you’d read about how they work and seen videos of them but you’d always wanted to try. That’s ridic Jason. You shouldn’t have been able to just pick it up and use it. I’m the archer and I like to think I’m pretty good at propulsion weapons, but I couldn’t do that. I guess that’s you though. Always one step ahead.”

Jason’s rocking a little in his spot, but he also seems to have stopped shaking, Roy hopes it’s a good sign, and continues on with his ramble.

“You are such a good hero Jason. People don’t tell you that enough. You do what you do to help people. I know it makes you feel better to fight, and let it all out as well, but you just, you _feel_ for everyone. It’s your biggest strength and your biggest weakness. Not that you’d ever admit it. But you can’t disagree with me right now so I’m saying it anyway and take your silence as assent. Look at me, being a jerk and taking advantage. But you know my moral compass is a little askew, you’ve always known that and never judged me for it.”

Suddenly Jason opens his mouth to take a deep breath. He holds it for what feels like minutes but surely couldn’t be, before letting out a choked sob.

Roy reacts immediately.

“Jay? Jace? Jason? I need you to talk to me buddy, I want to help you but I don’t want to make anything worse please talk to me man” he’s edges a little closer to Jason now, but still hasn’t touched him, won’t touch him yet, but getting as close as he can be while still giving him his own space.

The breaths are coming deeper now, deep breaths which shake his chest, and then Jason’s eyes open and his gaze darts to straight to Roy.

“Roy” he whispers.

It’s so quiet if Jason didn’t have his undivided attention he knows he could have missed it.

“Hey” his arm twitches instinctively towards Jason before Roy aborts the movement “do you know where you are Jace?”

He still looks so small, curled in on himself. Jason is never little. He takes up space in every room he is in, partially because he is large, and partially just from his presence. The rocking has stopped but the tremors have returned, but he’s less worried about them now, it’s just the adrenaline leaving the body. Jason opens his mouth again as if to speak, but when no words come out Roy rushes to fill the silence again.

“Jay, you’re in our apartment. We’re in Gotham. Old town”

He gets no response to that, but Jason doesn’t break eye contact.

“Can I touch you Jason?”

He gets a small nod at that and a peep of words “small touches”

Small touches, he can do small touches. He puts his eagle eyes to good use now, watching Jason carefully for any sign that what he is doing is unwelcome. He reaches his hand out to Jason’s knee, and when Jason shows no reaction, he places his hand over Jason’s knee, rubs his thumb in small circles in what he hopes is a reassuring movement. Jason closes his eyes again, and his breathing finally seems to be slowing down to a more regular rate. Roy closes his eyes now as well, concentrates only on his hand, his fingers, and his thumb, every point of contact with Jason’s knee, the denim he can feel under his finger tips, the seam of his jeans rubbing against his palm where it’s rested.

He’s surprised when Jason speaks again.

“Can we go outside to the roof?”

Jason goes high. Roy knows this. Can understand it. Roy’s an archer, his natural position is up high with the birds eye view. Sometimes it’s good to get some distance. And Jason was a Robin once. _Once a birdie always a birdie._

But before they do there’s something he needs to know

“Okay, but I need to know if you’re okay. Are you thinking about jumping?”

Roy doesn’t think it’s going to be a concern, but he also _needs to know_. Jason had a habit of self-destructive behaviour, something Roy is familiar with himself. So he needs to know. Needs to make sure Jason will be safe if they go outside to the roof. It’s not always an easy question, but it’s a necessary one.

Jason doesn’t respond verbally, but he opens his eyes to make eye contact with Roy, before shaking his head purposefully.

“Okay then. Let’s go outside. Would it be okay if I held your hand?”

Again Jason doesn’t respond verbally, but he slips his hand into Roy’s lacing their fingers tightly together. Roy picks up the quilted blanket from the couch with his free hand, and Jason uses his to swipes his cigarette pack and lighter. Roy leads them to the window and out, making his way quickly and efficiently to the roof. He doesn’t let his hand slip from Jason’s as he makes his way up the fire escape, leading him softly.

When they first moved in, Jason and Roy had set up a few chairs and a table on the roof, making their own little rooftop oasis. Their place of peace in the middle of the desert of Gotham. Tonight though, the formation of the chairs is not what he wants, and Roy pulls the chairs close together before sitting down, pulling Jason down with him to sit, and laying the blanket over their shoulders.

He gives Jason his undivided attention, watching as he lights his cigarette. Once Jason takes his first long breath of smoke, in then out, he then turns his face out to the city before them. He’s still watching Jason out of the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t want to crowd him, even if it’s just the illusion of space that he’s giving him. He waits until Jason’s smoked it down to the filter, leaning down and grinding the glowing stubb out on the roof, the ashtray out of reach on the table behind them.

“Do you know what triggered you?” he asks softly

“No”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No”

“Is there anything you want to do?”

Roy listens to the deep inhale, exhale before the response comes “Just… stay here a while”

“Okay” Roy responds. He can do that.

Roy relaxes more under the unseen stars, the pollution that infiltrates Gotham blocking them from his sight, but he looks up, seeing the constellations in his mind.

He’s actually taken his eyes of Jason to pretend star watch, when he feels a shifting at his side. He looks down and Jason is leaning against his side, resting his head on Roy’s shoulder, Jason slowly unlinks their fingers before wrapping his arm round Roy, and Roy takes that as permission to do the same to Jason, will retract the arm if Jason shows any sign of discomfort, but he’s happy Jason doesn’t seem to mind, and he gives Jason’s arm a little squeeze.

Roy looks down at Jason’s head resting on his shoulder.  From his position he can see Jason’s eyes closed, his brow furrowed. Roy can do this, will stay here as long as Jason needs, would do this a hundred times if it would do anything to soothe the pain he see’s splayed across Jason’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried my best with this peeps.  
> Although I have had panic attacks mine do not manifest like this, so I tried my best.
> 
> Please tell me what you think! comments and kudos are appreciated :)
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr at www.tumblr.com/blog/candybarrnerd


End file.
